Election Day Costume Party
Posted 11/03/2026 · ← All field reports
Full disclosure: this is commentary and jokes. Facts come from the linked reports, so click through and judge for yourself. The party kits linked here are our own products.
It's Election Day, the one day a year Americans line up in a church basement to fill in ovals and then refresh a map for nine hours. While you wait, the Agency has been sorting this week's strangest files: a closing argument about pond algae, candidates in costume, Krampus winning a court case, a bronze head transplant and the official retirement of the world's most famous lake monster hunter. Open the folder.
Exhibit A: The closing argument was a pool
On Monday, President Trump gave his final scheduled speech before the midterms in front of the newly reopened Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool. CNBC reports he spent more than 20 minutes on the renovation before first mentioning the election, and AP says he talked at length about new grass, rusty pipes and algae, then admitted that "for some reason, the sitting president doesn't win the midterms." The Telegraph notes he blamed vandals for the pool's problems, while the contractor and the U.S. attorney's office have pointed to poor workmanship.
Our analysts have three theories. One: it's a coded message, and "algae" is an acronym nobody has cracked yet. Two: the pool is a giant mirror and he was simply addressing his base. Three, the boring one that's probably right: a man was proud of his pool. Meanwhile his opponents spent the day insisting this proves everything they already believed, which is also exactly what they'd have said if he'd given a perfect speech. Spin is a two-lane highway.
Exhibit B: The candidates came in costume
MEAWW rounded up the final stretch: Vice President JD Vance dressed as Dumbledore for Halloween, Maine Democratic Senate candidate Troy Jackson answered an attack ad by trick-or-treating as a cord of firewood, and Texas Democrat James Talarico cooked a masala dosa on camera. In Michigan, a resurfaced Blue's Clues-style campaign clip of Democrat Abdul El-Sayed explaining ballot deadlines got roasted online. And AL.com counted AI-generated ads aimed at candidates in both parties, plus a Republican spot starring swearing grannies.
So to recap, one side has a wizard, the other has firewood, and everyone has an AI video of their opponent doing something they never did. If you see a clip today that seems too perfect, assume it went to the same costume shop. Check the source before you share it, no matter whose team it flatters.
Exhibit C: Krampus wins in court
A federal judge ordered Iowa to let The Satanic Temple hold a December 12 holiday event in the state Capitol rotunda after three years of denials, according to the Iowa Capital Dispatch. The state had argued the event's Krampus costume contest, with its bundles of sticks, could harm children. AP reports the attorney general's office plans to appeal.
Somewhere a Krampus is polishing his sticks for security screening, which the judge said is still allowed. Free-speech fans on the left and the right will each cheer this ruling right up until it applies to a group they don't like. That's the fun of the First Amendment: it's a party where you can't control the guest list.
Exhibit D: The statue got a body double
The Miami Heat replaced the head on Dwyane Wade's bronze statue after two years of jokes that it didn't look like him, reports the Miami Herald. USA Today says the swap happened behind a plywood box so nobody saw it until it was done.
A secret face replacement, performed overnight behind plywood? Our replacement-theory desk is thrilled. For the record, Wade wrote about the change himself, which is the opposite of a cover-up. But we're keeping the plywood photo on the corkboard anyway.
Exhibit E: Nessie's top hunter signs off
Palate cleanser. Naturalist Adrian Shine, 76, who moved to Loch Ness in 1973 and led the 1987 Operation Deepscan sonar sweep, says the monster isn't real, according to Metro. He tells the Press and Journal that boat wakes make multi-humped shapes and water birds on calm water look like long necks. His twist: "I have not killed the Loch Ness Monster, I've written a manual," and he says witnesses are describing real things they truly saw.
Believers say one skeptic doesn't drain a loch. Skeptics say 50 years is a pretty long stakeout. We say this is the nicest debate ending ever: nobody's lying, everybody's eyes are just doing their best. That's a useful thought on Election Day, too.
The pattern on the corkboard
Connect the dots and today's theme is costumes. A pool as a campaign speech, a wizard, a cord of firewood, a court-approved Krampus and a statue with a new face. Everybody is dressed up as something. The skeptic move tonight: watch more than one channel, wait for the actual counts and don't let anybody, from any party, tell you how to feel before the votes are in.
More field reports: Election Eve Bingo and Who Gets the Aliens in the Divorce?